There are three types of villains that I have encountered when I read comics. I have seen:

• The interesting villains that you love just because they’re so good at being evil.
• The boring villains that have potential, but come off as try-hards.
• The villains that you can’t help feeling sorry for, but at the same time, wish they were never created.

And that’s what this list is for - the last type of villains. These are the type of villains that make you go, “Huh?” and have a good laugh at their costumes, gadgets/powers or their names. No doubt, these villains would probably make the publishers pretty embarrassed, so if DC and Marvel come knocking at my door, then it’s safe to say that I brought this on myself.

You know when you laugh when you hear a name that sounds like a rude word or something that’s not discussed that openly? Yep, “Unus the Untouchable” is the name of the day. Erm, Unus? What makes him number five on the list is his name. See, I told you you would be going, “Huh?” The thing is, his power is actually cool because he can create forcefields around himself and his costume has the whole “underwear on the outside” thing going on (though I don’t get the emblem on his underwear; is it a menorah?). But his name is so lame! When your name sounds like “anus” and you’ve got the word “untouchable” in the same sentence, people are going to make fun of you: “Does your mum tell you not to touch your anus because you have worms?”

One of my favorites, really. It’s Calendar Man who takes the fourth spot. His full name is Julian Gregory Day, a bad pun on the Julian and Gregorian calendars. As pictured, he had various costumes to compliment the different seasons (the spring outfit looks fit for the Mardi Gras), and he would always note down his crimes on calendars… only for Batman to discover his crime-spree pattern and foil him for good.

This villain’s called Master Pandemonium, and he takes the third spot. His origin story; basically, he lost his arms in an accident of some sort, and got his arms replaced my Mephisto. So anyway, his arms would turn into demons, and they would separate from him. Problem is, they would leave him completely defenseless and armless. That would really be horrible, though. What if Pandemonium’s arms were off doing their business when Pandemonium himself would want to go open the door so he could sit down in a room, all the while being safe from other attacks from other heroes? Yeah, not so smart.

The villain who takes the second spot is Slipknot. Basically, his power was a rope that was unbreakable. Sounds good so far, right? Not really; he would use that rope to do whatever villains do with ropes. What do villains do with ropes again? I’m not really sure. I remember I saw this panel where he was fighting a bunch of androids, and wrapped his rope around an android’s neck. You’d expect something really cool like, “[Enter good hero here] will feel the wrath of my rope!” Nah, he didn’t say that; he said “Fall down and die, damn you!” In another panel, one of the androids say, “Fool! You cannot strangle an android!” To which Slipknot self-memos to himself, “He’s right! It’s like trying to kill a girder!” I might as well call you Captain Obvious.

The villain that takes the number one spot is called Dr. Dorcas. Yes, part of his name is pronounced “dork”, and yes, another villain with a lame name. You could say it’s like “Dorcus Malorkus”. He was Namor’s enemy and was a renegade marine biologist whose goal was to take over the world! Oooh, I’m shaking in my boots! I’ve always wondered what his advantages are over Namor, and I couldn’t really find any. Well, he does have his well groomed mustache, but then I’ve always like Namor’s hair better. Also, while researching this character, I discovered that Dorcas is a name for women. And that’s why he takes the number one spot for POA’s list of the lamest villains!

As usual, the list wouldn’t be complete if there aren’t going to be any honorary mentions! And so I present to you:

Turner D. Century:
A villain who’s an enemy of Spider-Woman. He has an umbrella that shoots fire and a flying bicycle. It takes a whole issue for Spider-Woman to defeat him.

Crazy Quilt:
Another costume that would be suited for the Mardi Gras, he uses a helmet that has mind controlling properties to commit crimes. Kind of difficult to be mind controlled with a costume like that.